Okay, people. You are not going to believe why I’m late today. Sheila? Come on in here. Sorry about this, but you gotta get in here. Shondra? Harold? Can you hear me over there? Maybe you should move a little closer. Get Emmelyn in here, too. I don’t want anyone to miss this. In fact, get Colleen on speaker phone. She’s going to love this.
Okay. Is everyone here? Good. This shouldn’t take long.
I know you thought you’d heard it all a couple weeks ago, when I was late because my fish flopped out of the tank. Then there was the time in February, when I was halfway to work, spilled hot coffee all over myself, and had to go to the doctor. Whoo! That was no fun. Oh, and last Monday: I forgot my work keys, went home to get them, got back to the office, and realized I had the wrong set.
I won’t even mention the Bee Allergy False Alarm, the Zipper Crisis, or the now-famous Cardigan Incident. You’ve heard the rest, and now here’s the best. I hope your shoes are tied, because this is going to knock your socks off!
Are you ready? You sure? Here we go, coworkers.
You all know how I get to work, right? Train to the bus, walk four blocks, and I’m there. Well, I’ve been thinking that I should get more exercise, so I decided to alter my route a little. Instead of taking the train to the bus, I decided to take the train to the Grant Avenue stop, transfer to another train, and then walk seven blocks.
Oh, come on in, Kyle. Grab a seat.
So, it’s train a little farther, transfer, walk seven blocks. It would only take five minutes longer than my usual route, and I’d squeeze in a little exercise. At least, that’s how it would go under perfect conditions. But when do things ever go perfectly?
Are you all still with me? I don’t want to lose anyone and have to back up and repeat myself. That wouldn’t be fair to everyone else.
Anyway, I was on the train headed downtown to Grant Avenue but, since I was breaking my usual routine, I got confused and a little panicky and went one stop too far. I don’t know what was going on in my head. I got out and tried to transfer to the uptown train, but I wound up on the crosstown express. I must have been riding for 10 minutes before I recognized my mistake.
Hey, can I get a water over here? I want to be in top form for the finish. Thanks, Donna, appreciate it. Okay, back in.
By the time I realized what I’d done, I was already 10 minutes late. I decided, you know, screw the exercise, I’ve got to get to work. So I got off at the next stop and tried to catch a cab. But I was in a desolate part of town, and there weren’t a lot of cabs, right? Just when I was about to give up and go back to the train, a cab pulled up out of nowhere. I thought it was my lucky day—but no trip to work could ever be so lucky.
Now, hang on. It really gets sort of bizarre here. This is the part, on the way up in the elevator, that I was thinking no one would believe. Ready? Okay, let’s do it.
We started moving, but I could tell the driver was in some sort of mood. He was on the phone with someone, and his voice kept rising until he was in a full yell. Suddenly, he jerked the wheel, pulled over to the curb, and started screaming even louder into his phone—not even words, just screams.
I thought I was going to be murdered by a cab-driving maniac!
Now, assembled employees, I assure you this is all true.
The driver hung up the phone, and we just sat there for a few seconds. I didn’t say anything; he didn’t say anything. Then he reached up, shut off the meter, and said, “No charge.” I was still two blocks away from the office, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to complain. I got out of the cab, and he peeled off.
So I walked the two blocks, and I’m here. And there it is.
Was that not an amazing series of events, culminating in my 70-minute lateness? Have you ever heard an excuse like that in this office, or in any other office, before? Has the 12th floor ever been graced with such a tale? I told you it’d be good. Was I right, or was I right?
Well, see you all at lunch.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33612?utm_source=b-section
Get Ready, Folks, ‘Cause This Is The Greatest Late-To-Work Excuse You’ve Ever Heard | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
•June 25, 2009 • Leave a Comment
Winona Ryder confirms ‘Heathers’ sequel. God, Veronica, drool much? | PopWatch Blog | EW.com
•June 16, 2009 • Leave a CommentWinona Ryder confirms ‘Heathers’ sequel. God, Veronica, drool much?
Jun 2, 2009, 03:18 PM | by Annie Barrett
Categories: Fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion, Film, Sports, Star Wars
“How very”…encouraging. After months of speculation, Winona Ryder said in an interview appearing in the July issue of Empire that a sequel to the 1988 cult film is in the works. “I swear to God,” she said. “But for some reason Dan [Waters, writer] and Michael [Lehmann, director] don’t want to talk about it.” Maybe you shouldn’t be talking about it then, lady! Oh, but she went on. “There is a story, and Christian [Slater] has agreed to come back as a kind of Obi-Wan character.”
This just got good. When I first heard rumors of a “new Heathers,” I imagined a pointless remake along the lines of Footloose or the recently announced Girls Just Want To Have Fun. But a sequel? I love Heathers more than I love BBQ Corn Nuts, but how exactly might a Heathers sequel work? If J.D. has become an Obi-Wan type, will Shannen Doherty play a droid who manages a vintage shop specializing in late-’80s fashion hats? Will the teen queens abandon croquet for Wii Croquet?
via Winona Ryder confirms ‘Heathers’ sequel. God, Veronica, drool much? | PopWatch Blog | EW.com.
Milwaukee Pride, 2009 – Video and Pictures!
•June 15, 2009 • Leave a CommentPridefest 2009 Videos
To see them all:
Pics to come soon:
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Ready.gov: Planning for a disaster – Get A Kit
•June 15, 2009 • Leave a CommentWhen preparing for a possible emergency situation, it’s best to think first about the basics of survival: fresh water, food, clean air and warmth.
Recommended Items to Include in a Basic Emergency Supply Kit:
* Water, one gallon of water per person per day for at least three days, for drinking and sanitation
* Food, at least a three-day supply of non-perishable food
* Battery-powered or hand crank radio and a NOAA Weather Radio with tone alert and extra batteries for both
* Flashlight and extra batteries
* First aid kit
* Whistle to signal for help
* Dust mask, to help filter contaminated air and plastic sheeting and duct tape to shelter-in-place
* Moist towelettes, garbage bags and plastic ties for personal sanitation
* Wrench or pliers to turn off utilities
* Can opener for food (if kit contains canned food)
* Local maps
* Cell phone with chargers
Email to a Friend.
via Ready.gov: Get A Kit.
Nevada Brothel Owners Want To Legalize Male Prostitution | NBC Chicago
•June 11, 2009 • Leave a Comment
In Nevada, land of legal prostitution, there are currently 25 legal sex houses—and all of them are staffed by women to serve men. But what happens in Vegas, may now be happening for the ladies! According to a report from the Nevada Brothel Association, a number of their fine establishments are looking to add some studs to their employee rosters. If there was ever a reason for feminism, it’s got to be this chance to even the score. Why should men get to be the only ones who can buy themselves some sexy time?
The recent push for gigolos was started by madams feeling the pinch of the recession. After seeing a 50% drop in “sales,” Ms. Bobbi Davis, owner of The Shady Lady, has taken it upon herself to lead the fight for this new business opportunity. But it will take some legal rangling, since most of the health codes on the state’s books pertaining to the trade are female specific. How are they going to give gigolos mandatory cervical exams?
Also, the marketing for the guys will be different. For one thing, the time allotted per client is longer. You know, we girls like to take it slow. (Hopefully, the Brothel Association won’t!) Plus, the rates are going to be lower: $500 for two hours, $2,000 for a sleepover. Hope the boys are as easy on the eyes as they are on the wallet!
In the meantime, as the kinks get worked out, the Shady Lady’s proprietress is on the prowl for male prostitutes and her age range is pretty wide considering most of the current working girls—she wants stallions between the ages of 30 and 50. “Look at George Clooney, he’s 50 and he’s still considered a very sexy man. Women don’t consider a man washed up by the time he’s 50,” Davis says in defense of her help wanted ad. Mm, Clooney sounds like the perfect stimulus package. But no matter who she finds, we’re sure they’ll be plenty of satisfied customers. [WBBM]
via Nevada Brothel Owners Want To Legalize Male Prostitution | NBC Chicago.
staring contest
•June 11, 2009 • Leave a CommentWho are “Otters” & “Wolves” in the gay “Bear” community? – Yahoo! Answers
•June 10, 2009 • Leave a CommentWho are “Otters” & “Wolves” in the gay “Bear” community?
My partner and I were watching an episode of “In the Life”on the LOGO channel. The show focused on the “bear” lifestyle. Aside from Bears the narrator also mentioned “Cubs”, “Otters” & “Wolves”. My partner spoke over the discription of “Otters” & “Wolves” and I didn’t hear the meaning. I know who Bears & Cubs are but who are the other two? Can anyone explain.
Answer
An otter is a rather slim, but excessively hairy gay man. (Much like a real otter looks in the zoo or wild.)
A wolf (to the best of my recollection) is a gay man who is older, hairy, but DOMINANT and assertive if not aggressive in his quest for male partners. Some wolf life partners seek out playmates who are not like them, who are less assertive. Think of real wolves on the prowl.
Whereas an “otter” looks like a real otter (the animal), a “wolf” [supposedly] ACTS like a real wolf.
via yahoo! Answers
Report: 2 Officers Shot On Milwaukee’s South Side – Milwaukee News Story – WISN Milwaukee
•June 9, 2009 • Leave a CommentMILWAUKEE — Sources tell 12 News that two Milwaukee police officers have been shot on the city’s south side.
It happened at about 3:30 p.m. between on Second Street between National and Walker.
One officer was reportedly shot in the head and leg. The other was shot in the chest.
The suspect remains on the loose, 12 News was told.
Bradley Tech High School, which is just a couple of blocks away, has been locked down, according to a Milwaukee Public Schools spokewoman.
WISN 12 News has crews headed to the scene and will have more details shortly.
Copyright 2009 by WISN.com. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
via Report: 2 Officers Shot On Milwaukee’s South Side – Milwaukee News Story – WISN Milwaukee.
Lady GaG – Butterface (Poker Face Parody)
•June 9, 2009 • Leave a CommentAS READ IN ROLLING STONE!!!Here is my parody of Lady GaGa’s Poker Face. There were a lot of requests for a new song parody after Hey There Delilah so I have decided to give in. I also took note o…
Coming to a fair near you: Chocolate-covered bacon – JSOnline
•June 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment
Food on a stick is a staple at the Wisconsin State Fair.
At this year’s fair, the usual offerings will be sold: cheesecake, deep-fried Oreo cookies, and cheese and hot dog, all on a stick.
This year, however, vendors have outdone themselves.
How does chocolate covered bacon on a stick sound to you? Is that appealing or disgusting?
Or fried peanut butter and jelly on a stick?
Or chilled cookie dough on a stick?
They’ll all be there at the fair from Aug. 6 to 16.
Patrice Harris, a Fair spokeswoman, said the chocolate covered bacon will be offered by Machine Shed restaurant. She said she believed it was the first time the sweet and salty confection will be sold at the fair.
Chocolate covered bacon is not new. The Minnesota State Fair offered it last year.
But our question is simple: Will you eat it?
Here’s the back story on the treat.
via Coming to a fair near you: Chocolate-covered bacon – JSOnline.
